We all care about making peace and maintaining unity. At times, this requires us to compromise. Sometimes we’re willing to give up part of what we want in order to avoid conflict and accomplish things together in a peaceful way. But what if your compromising behavior comes with negative consequences at your expense?

Here are a couple of examples of unhealthy compromises within the family. Imagine a husband who is “usually sweet” but will quickly get upset if his spouse points out a concern.  He is intimidating and perhaps even unspokenly, has defined the parameters of their peaceful relationship as being dependent on her absolute submission and allowance of his behavior.  The message the wife receives is “I’ll take care of you as long as you let me take control and support the way I handle things. Don’t bring up anything complicated or I’ll lose patience and/or walk away.” The wife may want to speak up at times or bring up a concern about him not engaging the children or his habit of drinking a bit too much at home, but she refrains. This “compromise” results in the diminished happiness and safety of her and her children.  

Or picture a child who views his mother as nurturing as long as he doesn’t complain. He refrains from bringing up a legitimate concern, such as not having a change of clean clothes available or not having food to eat, out of fear he will send his “emotional mother” into hysterics! Her typical response to such concern being something like... “You’re trying to tell me I’m the worst mom ever!.. This is why I’m depressed! You’re too much!”

What happens when our behaviors to compromise are no longer based on willingness, but fear and guilt? The guilt of upsetting someone, fear of losing a caregiver, hurting others, or worsening the situation?

Many times these behaviors result in children developing depression, bedwetting, or academic decline when they are asked to compromise on things they shouldn’t be compromising. When children hold a secret, whether it’s about family or friends, it creates an internal tug-of-war whereby their conscience is bothered but they do not speak up out of fear and/or guilt. Parents or friends do well to make an effort to know what this possible “inconvenient secret” they are holding is, instead of overly focusing on the symptoms.

Similar dilemmas may occur among couples and friends to whom you may feel you would betray if you spoke up or set a boundary. You may feel guilty for not compromising or be afraid that something worse may happen to them. Though it may seem like a “lose-lose” situation, we want to remember that when we compromise for things that are unjust and manipulative, WE will be the ones suffering emotionally/physically from the consequences. We should trust the words of wisdom: “For whatever a person is sowing, this he will also reap”. We don’t need to compromise for those who ask us to be a part of lies or to keep secrets. We don’t need to allow violence to keep occurring and let abusers continue to take advantage of weak ones. If these examples resonate with you, you may be in the habit of making an unhealthy compromise. It would be wise to seek a professional for help in walking you through the safest and wisest course of action.